Can't sleep

I'm writing this at three forty in the morning, which kinda sucks. I couldn't sleep so what better way to pass the time than to blog? It keeps my mind active and I can rant about how life sucks now. Right now, I'm a bit confused about what I want to do. For the past few nights, I've been having dreams about the kill. They're not pleasant ones. I always wake up halfway through the night after those nightmares. I haven't told anyone yet. Actually, I have nobody to talk to. Can't tell my friends since they don't know what I do and I can't tell the Agency since they'd probably kick me out. I really don't know what to do now. And to top it all off, my nose is giving me a serious problem. Throughout the whole night, I couldn't stop sneezing. Practically used up a whole damned box of tissues.

So what do I do now? Am I even cut out for this kind of work? There is no place for guilt here but right now, I'm having all these nightmares. That's an obvious sign of guilt right? But there's nothing to be guilty about actually. All the hits and all the kills, it's just business. People do business all the time. I just specialise in a trade that is not so publically accepted. The hits are just business transactions. It's nothing. Just like buying anything at a supermarket. And that son of a bitch deserved it anyway. He stole somebody's money and he paid for it. An eye for an eye. Enough of this emo bullshit. I'm sounding like a pussy.

On a more serious note, there still hasn't been any word from the Agency. Maybe it's just me being anxious but that evalutaion seems to be taking a very long time. There hasn't been any news from Number 1 or the Fathers yet. If my evaluation is screwed up, I might actually have to take university seriously. There is no way I'm going to be a bottom feeder in the Agency. One good thing has happened so far though. The money has already been transferred to my bank account. It's enough to last me for a couple of months, if I spend wisely. I allowed myself a little bit of indulgence yesterday.

Finally watched 300 and with all the money I had, I bought ten seats just for the fun of it. Had one big area to myself. The movie was awesome. Totally worth the money. Too bad I had to watch it alone. Wish some of my buddies could have been there.

I supposedly had my POP today. Now, my whole week will be free to hang out with everybody and anybody. There's not much to do anyway except wait for the evaluation and it's highly unlikely I get another contract within this week. Now that I've "POPed", I've got to decide on where I'm going to be posted to. Should I tell everyone I'm going to OCS? Or maybe something normal like signals or artillery. I'll see first. If another job pops up, my cover story will be that I'm going to OCS. There's supposed to be a three week confinement period for OCS so that will give me lots of time for a contract.

This ends my current blogging session. Hopefully, I can get some shuteye now.